letters to bobo

2006-10-30T22:10:00.000-05:00

it's not that i don't think of the little man every hour of every day. saturday (a 28th) went by and something felt wrong all day...but it's not like the day caught me off guard, i knew it was coming...and then today i was wondering, "was it really that OFF, or did i just get to compress my sorrow that day into a little box labelled 'a 28th' or '19 months'...or did i just get to recognize it more because it had the right number?" i'm not sure 28s are any worse than 3oths or 4ths or any other day.

today i started thinking that christmas was on the way (right around the corner after halloween every year), and i realized that i was attributing my resistance to the wrong things. i had assumed that my resistance to the coming holiday season had to do with my outrage that christmas decorations are already up (it's less special if "the holiday season" takes up a significant percentage of the year), or stress over the looming concert (and the affect it may or may not have on my voice)... that's not it. i actually CAUGHT myself today consciously thinking, "i don't want christmas to come. i don't want it to be my 2nd christmas without bobo. because then it'll be my 3rd. then my 4th. and so on until my 47th. i don't want it."

2006-02-17T22:21:00.002-05:00

i was just talking about the little gentleman today. i think i think of him everytime i call felix my little boy, or my good boy, or my little man...it never quite feels right.

i had on the black one of my most comfy sweaters, and emily commented on it, so i had to say that the original favorite sweater was tan, but i cut it up and made a pillow out of it. i ended up showing her my bobo pillow, and taking out the fur clippings for the first time in months.

i'm starting to think that the physical symptoms i've been feeling lately--the headaches, the exhaustion, the vaguely ill-all-over stuff--is just my body's way of trying to focus me on the physical instead of the upcoming "anniversary" (for lack of a better word). sixth months was tolerable, i guess...i was thinking that mom's decision to be out of town was being extra-extra safe, and that i was going to be fine.

i think that in periods of stress and mourning, your body can do the kindest thing for you by not feeling right. it's so much easier to whine about how tired you are than it is to deal with the fact that that's just the physical embodiment of your emotional pain.

2006-02-17T22:21:00.001-05:00

2006-02-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

2005-11-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

it has been eighth months. today is the first time the 28th has fallen on a monday....i mean, the first time since that night.

i didn't really bother with a good cry today. it just seems pointless. it's like the lamps in the hanukkah story. i can cry and cry but i'm not going to go empty. there's an endless supply with "losing bobo" on it. so i just kind of pick and choose when to vent a little bit.

i had a dream the other night that's really vague, but it definitely involved big hugs. i wrote down a dream a few days ago...maybe i have more dreams than i remember. i need to make a better effort to write them down, at least when they're bobo dreams.

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon

first dream in...too long

2005-11-19T20:26:00.000-05:00

i'm standing on the street facing the house (in delaware--i only ever dream about that house). i'm looking at the second floor windows--which seem to be at eye level--trying to see what is the same and what is different. are the shutters missing on the middle window? (that was my bedroom until i was 12, then it was the computer room).

i look closely into the window to mom and dad's room, expecting to feel sad seeing how different it looks. i see the picture frame with our senior pictures in it, then i look closer and see the dresser, and the chest...it's exactly the same. i zoom in closer and closer until i'm in the bedroom...it's exactly the same. i run over to mom's side of the bed, and there is bobo's bed, and he's asleep next to it. i run over to him and snuggle him and give him great big kisses and i'm crying. he just kind of looks at me.

when i go back later, he's not there anymore.

thank you for reading, molly....

2005-11-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

i told her that i shuffle my feet at updating in order to delay the inevitable:
the day will come when i've used and memorized every one of his pictures.
that's why this post does not have a picture.

i keep going to bed praying for dreams, and none come.
i'm no better than i was six months ago.
i relive it every day--especially on mondays, when i make myself go to the store. and when i hear "twinkle." and when it stops feeling just like i'm missing you in between visits.

i find myself thinking about you a lot--even listening to the music--when i'm at the gym. that can't be a normal thing.

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

six months.

2005-09-28T21:25:00.000-04:00

you have been gone for six months. i don't feel much different than i did five months and three weeks ago. maybe i have an easier time blocking it out of my mind, but then, i never see you in dreams any more. today i thought about the fact that extreme grief is supposed to block after death visits, and that they occur when you're not thinking about them. well, i haven't been thinking about them, and i'm eating pretty okay. my therapy was cancelled today, so i took a nap; lucid dreams are more likely late in the morning or during a nap. nothing.

i'm coming down with a cold. this morning, i felt like i was the only one in class who wasn't sniffling or coughing or clearing my throat, and i was so tired. i had woken up at 6:00, so i thought maybe i didn't sleep well, but i was so tired. my throat is scratchy now--will i skip choir already? i was afraid that i was starting to feel how i felt last fall...i just wanted to stay in bed. then this spring, when i lost you, i just wanted to sleep and have dreams. there's less incentive to do that now, though, because i don't even remember my dreams these days.

i've been aware that it was coming for a long time, of course, but i remembered today when the song "ageless beauty" came on my car mix cd.

i hate march 28. my birthday is now "11 days before." i hate march. i guess i hate spring, even more than the fall.

i still sleep with my "bobo pillow" every night. i'm still here.

2005-08-12T21:35:00.000-04:00

i started on a new painting of you today. this is the first one since that one i started in february when you got sick. i'm still not happy with the one that i finished at the end of march; maybe i'll try to redo that next.

it was so hard to get myself started on it. it was like i had forgotten how to do it. either that, or all of my inspiration was gone. and then it occurred to me that maybe the little bit of talent that i had and the drive to actually get up off of the couch and DO something went with you. i just sat there and cried and cried and looked around for you. it's so ridiculous. for one thing, you're gone. for another, you've never even been to my apartment!

i needed to at least try, though. i started it just like that last painting of you...the one that i knew would be the last one that i did with you still alive.

i had a dream about you last night. the only part i remember is the part in which you came absolutely BOUNDING toward me. it was such a happy greeting! i knew that that wasn't the way things "should" be, so i was sure to memorize every little thing about it.

i need to write these things down as soon as i wake up.

mom and dad are going to get ben tomorrow. don't worry--you passed the "top dog" baton to salma, and she will remain the queen. i'll be out visiting at the end of next week. it's going to be weird. i mean, you know that i love all little creatures, but...i think it's going to be even more obvious that something is missing. it's going to be so painful. i'm sure i'll love ben, and it's great that mom and dad are giving him a happy home. it's not ben's fault that he's not you. he's not a replacement--what would be the point of that? mom and dad just feel that salma would benefit from having a pal around. she's been very quiet and lethargic lately, and that's not good for her health. we want to keep her active so she'll be with us for a very long time. i think they're doing the right thing.

speaking of mom and dad, i still haven't gotten around to telling them about this page, which i originally intended to be for the whole family. i don't want to be greedy...but i also don't want to pressure people to write things that they'd rather keep between you and them. i also am very worried about it being upsetting to them; they've been through enough. they miss you so, and it's obvious to them that salma does. i know you're a jealous guy (or maybe you're not, because it really seemed like you passed on a lot of your "tricks" to salma!!!), and i want you to know that you will always be my best friend forever and ever. just like what i told you the last time i saw your handsome furry li'l self.

" Ageless beauty
Cruelty makes its holes
But on the shoreline
Time will hold its promise

We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light

Tattered fingers
Lingering on the warm and foolish
Hardened faces
Graceless, we'll lose the battle

We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light

Oceans won't freeze
So loosen your heart
Underestimated
Undefeated in this love

We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light
You can see it from the surface, see it
We will always be a light"

("Ageless Beauty," Stars)

i'll go to sleep tonight hoping to see you in my dreams...just like i do every night.

2005-08-03T21:26:00.000-04:00

MY GOODNESS!

it turns out that seanie had a dream about you the same night i did! he wrote me from work to say "guess who visited me in the night?"

here's how it went: sean was sitting on a couch, and you jumped up and started giving him the little bobo eyes. sean explained to someone that you die every night but then you come back to life every morning. you laid down on his chest (like it was morning!) and he gave you kisses. it felt JUST LIKE you...smelled just like you... sean was listening to your breathing, because he was worried that it would be labored. he was worried that the cycle would be tough on your little body.

i had another dream about you last night. i can't believe how vivid they are. i should have written it down as soon as i woke up, so i only remember bits and pieces now. i remember getting to colorado and going into my room (which looked nothing like the yellow and blue room we always slept in--there were bunkbeds!) and suddenly feeling sad that you wouldn't be there. but then--there you were. and i remember thinking that you had cheated death (i think that a lot in bobo dreams). next thing i remember, i was in the car at a gas station. i think it was raining. you were sitting on my lap, and your belly felt JUST like your belly!

it's definite now: sean and i are adopting another cat. it's felix--the one who was at the shelter for four whole years! i've been thinking about him since the spring. i know it's weird because i'm really a "dog" person, but i can't have a dog anytime soon. also, i don't know. maybe i'm just a furry-creature-person. but you aren't really a dog--more like a really sweet person who doesn't need to talk to be able to be kind. i love salma, though. maybe i'm just looking for something that is clearly "apples" to the sweet oranges in the world. at any rate, it turns out that felix likes doggies too! well, he better!

this is your soon-to-be nephew:

and, of course, your loving niece, lucy:

we all miss you so terribly.

2005-08-02T11:29:00.000-04:00

i've been having such strange, vivid dreams lately. but finally, last night, i saw you in my dream. i still can't believe how real it was, but the look in your eyes still kind of haunts me. it wasn't a lucid dream really...just the usual dreams i have about you where i'm aware that at any second you could be dead.

it's more of a brief scene, really. there's no plot:

***
i was in bed...i think in colorado, but all of the dream was very close-up, so i can't tell for sure. i just know that i was on the left side of the bed (where i used to sleep when you were alive) and you were right up next to me in the middle. it was the middle of the night, but my eyes were adjusted to the dark, so everything looked sort of a blackish-blue. you were on your side, laying there like a little man, and looking right at me. i started petting you and giving you kisses. as i did so, i found myself wondering what it would be like to do this if you were dead. everything felt so real...the texture of your fur was exactly right, and your little forehead was so nice and warm to kiss. you were giving me kind of a strange look...and right now i can't interpret it. i should have written this down as soon as i woke up. i just remember thinking how real everything felt, and trying to memorize every little detail.
***

it was a brief dream, then i woke up. i was on the left side of my bed at my house in new york, and my bobo pillow (which contains your fur clipping and our special blanket, nestled inside a "pillowcase" made from my favorite snuggly sweater) was next to me in the exact place where you were in my dream.

"Your love brings me sunshine"

2005-07-29T00:56:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling so disconnected now. no dreams, no art therapy projects, and i'm not even looking at his pictures so much. i've tried the butterfly hug and i don't feel a thing. i sometimes think i'm having trouble conjuring up his face, his movement...i can't lose that. i remind myself of his tuna-butt breath and caramel-cornchip ears; the patterns of his barks and the trot of his nails on the wood floor; the patterns of color in his fur and around those gentle eyes; and the smooth, orderly feeling of his fur (and the extra warmth at the top of his head, which i so love to smooch). i can't lose these things.

I wander through this world
Needing you so much
I wander through this world
Dreaming of your touch

If I could see you again..
If I could just see you again..

Forget about your sorrows
Forget about your heartache
Life is nothing but a shadow
Forget about your worries
Forget about the bad times
Life is nothing but a shadow..
..without your sunshine

There's a new star, in the night sky
Could it be you, making me so high
Shine on, shine on, shine on, shine on
Shine on and on and on and on and on..

If I could see you again..
If I could just see you again..

Forget about your sorrows
Forget about your heartache
Life is nothing but a shadow
Forget about your worries
Forget about the bad times
Life is nothing but a shadow..
..without your sunshine

I used to think time was on my side
I used to think the world could be so kind
That was another day..
That was another time..
If I could see you again..
If I could just see you again..

Forget about your sorrows
Forget about your heartache
Life is nothing but a shadow
Forget about your worries
Forget about the bad times
Life is nothing but a shadow..
..without your sunshine

"Sunshine," Handsome Boy Modelling School

2005-07-27T22:03:00.000-04:00

so i tried this EMDR-based "butterfly hug" thing last night. it's supposed to induce "theta" waves in the brain (which can also be induced by meditating, loving on a pet, etc.). apparently the presence of theta waves increases the chances of...well, after-death communications if you believe in that, and hallucinations if you want the "scientific" explanation. it didn't work, and i slept so fitfully. it's my fault--i didn't take anything, and my doctor just doubled the dosage of my meds.

i don't think it's going to make a difference, honestly.

i can't get myself to draw pictures, or paint, or...anything really. i lay around all day and i hope for good dreams at night.

but you have to be asleep to dream, so i took something tonight.

the one good thing that came out of waking up at 3:00 am? realizing that my kitty does in fact sneak in and snuggle me in the middle of the night. i always suspected...especially since my husband and i took a nap on sunday, and we woke up to find the kitty snuggled up to my legs. the whole family took a nap together! it was so cute.

: (

it's probably not hard to guess my train of thought after that last statement.

2005-07-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

i went to the library today with the call numbers for books on pet loss (i looked them up on the internet last night), but when i got there, i...it was as if i lost interest very quickly. i don't think i even took one off the shelf. i've done this at borders as well. but i should probably do something, especially now that i don't have my group anymore.

i was reading about the butterfly hug and other EMDR techniques that can induce visions...i don't know. someone posted on the message board that she only did it twice, because it was unnecessary when she didn't have unresolved issues. do i have unresolved issues? uh, about a hundred. let's start with my teasing of him when he was a pup...and then how could i go away (for the summer, and then college) and not remember calling home to check on him?...then the fact that the dogs were kennelled on my wedding day...and then i only visited a few times a year. he doesn't know why his sister stopped coming to see him.

i hate that he's never been in this apartment. don't get me wrong--i wouldn't want my parents to put him through the trauma of flying in order to give me some memories of him here, nor would i want them to drive 30 hours for the same reason...

i guess i'm just having another bad puppy night.

2005-07-24T23:22:00.000-04:00

dear pumpkin pie,

i had the most lovely--if brief--dream about you the other night. i was laying on a bed...i'm not sure if it was the "yellow bed" in colorado, or my bed from the house in delaware, and you walked up to me and plopped down right on my chest. it was so cute! i wish i had written down the whole dream right away, because that's the only part i'm sure of, but it was a delight. it reminded me of when you used to come up to me and sometimes even lay on my chest, waiting for me to wake up and say "g' morning, bobo!" at which time you'd give me all sorts of kisses. i tried to get sean to do g'morning, but he must not have said it just right, because you didn't seem to go for it. or maybe "g'morning bobo" kisses were just for me...hee hee...

you didn't really do that so much once you lost your hearing...i figure you couldn't hear the cue (my morning greeting). do you remember that thunderstorm last summer that had you shaking so? i don't know if you could sense the thunder, or if it was my reactions that got you so worked up...but i felt so guilty, sitting there in the bathroom with the fan on, holding you. i guess a lot of things that i thought were "cute" required me to either be patient or to be not-so-nice. :( maybe if i had just ignored the thunder you'd have just taken a little nap that day. i'm sorry.

i've been going to a group and bringing your pictures (even some of the ones i drew) with me, but i missed the last meeting because mom and dad were out here. so i go there on saturday, and the group is cancelled. i'm so disappointed about this...there were such nice people there. they have good taste, too; they all think you're a handsome fellow. so i'm thinking about trying to run a group myself....hmmm...

i went into the shelter--the one where i adopted lucy--and talked to the people about getting another kitty. it sounds like it's going to be felix. i keep asking lucy if she wants a big brother (he's 4...she's about 3). i bet you wouldn't mind another nephew; you seem to like the kitties just fine. i know lucy would love you. you two could be the best of friends, napping the day away....

love, amy

what i was listening to that night...

2005-07-22T00:28:00.000-04:00

Just an hour and we'll be home
With my family that i chose
You're my family
And on the pavement still gripping the phone
You came and wrapped your arms around my soul
And we were shaking and you're so much a part of me
And so this is why i'm here
When we called you
You came so fast
And sat beside me while hours and days past
I'll always thank you for that
And there you were
With your heart made of gold
So strong, the only thing holding us up
And we knew you would always be so close
And so this is why i'm here
And then there was you
You always made us laugh
And you would help us to find the right path
And there is no one as full of life
And so this is why i'm here
"Home," Azure Ray

posted on pet loss forum....

2005-07-22T00:16:00.000-04:00

my story is somewhat unique in that i didn't actually live with bobo. he was our family dog--we got him in 1991 when he was 8 weeks old and i was 15--so i only lived with him for a few years before i went to college and, eventually, moved 3 hours away. i still visited him and dogsat whenever i could, and i think that i was more attached in those last few years when i wasn't living with him.

when i was a teenager…well , i always loved him, but i wasn't very nice to him. he was so cute and so…conscientious. i thought it was funny to say, "bobo, come HERE!" and watch him sorta waddle over withhis tail tucked. i also thought it was cute to get him all excited to "go bye-byes"…whether or not we were going anywhere. (i learned my lesson after he got so excited that he piddled on me! boy did i have that coming!). i don't know why i was this way to him…i'm not a cruel person. i think i just didn't know how to handle such unconditional love. or maybe i am a cruel person…

all the same, i've always been obsessively focused on losing him. i remember him being as young as a year old and me thinking "oh, we only have 12 years left." i don't know why it was always 13 years…but i knew that was all i'd have with him. the thought would just pop into my head at random times. whenever i woke up in the middle of the night, i had to check his breathing. even when he was only 1 or 2 years old! and if i didn't feel it, i'd say something to wake him up.

i became the most attached to him over the last few years. i'd go home once a month to visit, and he always slept with me. i kinda liked it when i was dogsitting because i had him all to myself! when my parents moved from the east coast to colorado , i was hearbroken.: you can't talk to a dog on the phone or over e-mail, and he couldn't hop on a plane to come see me.

one of my happiest bobo memories is my visit in summer of 2002. i was very very sick that year…i ended up being hospitalized for anorexia a few weeks later, but i was so happy to spend 2 weeks out there. a week of it was dogsitting for my parents (who were on vacation). i had the dogs all to myself! we slept together, napped, went for walkies and explored the hills behind my parents' house….it was terrific.

i could see that bobo was getting older. he was a little slower, he had less "puppy" moments, and his fur was turning a very distinguished and handsome white. the last night of every visit out in colorado, i'd cry. my husband would ask what is wrong, and i'd say, "this could be the last time i ever see him." he would say, "no. he's hale and hearty!"

the first time bobo every got sick (apart from a couple very minor tummy bugs) was may of 2004. when my parents called me to tell me that he was sick, i don’t think it sunk in. no, i know it didn't sink in, because i acted like they were just telling me he had a cold or something like that…later on, of course, it hit me that he was thousands of miles away and feeling awful, and he had no idea why i wouldn’t be there to help take care of him.

he was diagnosed with CHF, but he stabilized very quickly on a tiny dose of lasix and…another drug that helps the heart work more efficiently. the next time i was out there (over the summer), i could see that he was getting older, but it seemed like this would just "pass." all the same, i now added to my "13 years" fear the fear that we'd come back or wake up one day and he'd already be gone. every morning, i was so happy that he'd wake up. but at night, i'd be all the more sad counting down the nights that i had left with him.

this past february, bobo had a relapse. apparently, he passed out and fell off of the bed. my parents built a ramp for him (which he really didn't like to use) and he healed. they had to increase his meds and add digoxin. this was worrisome, because the side effects of digoxin can be so nasty that it's not worth it to be on it. he did okay though. for a few weeks, i made arrangements in my schedule so that i could fly out there "just in case" i had to say goodbye.

he made it to my march visit. i was so happy…i would have never forgiven myself…. as a matter of fact, he was better that week i was out there than he had been in months. he was eating…no tummy woes…and he was in great spirits. we just hung around the house all day, sitting together on the doggie bed i got him for christmas and getting warm by the fireplace. i wanted to take the dogs for a walk…but i was very unsure if that was a good idea for him, so i never did.

i wish i knew what was our last walk. i don't remember it.

i left friday, march 25. i almost didn't tell him i loved him…i'm shy about being "mushy," and my parents were in the room with him before i left. they went on out to the car, so i had a moment alone. i told him that i loved him, and the he's my best friend forever and ever. then i gave him a kiss and left.

that night, he crashed…his blood pressure plummeted, and my parents took him to the emergency room. they got him stabilized with an i.v. drug, but he crashed again the next day as soon as it was out of his system. things weren't looking good, but there was still hope that his heart would be able to take over the work that the i.v. was doing…maybe they just needed to wean him off of the drug more slowly. i called that hospital day and night to check on him. saturday night, he vomited, but he was fine when my parents visited him. i asked my parents to take him the t-shirt that i had slept in while i was out there. sunday and monday would tell…

my parents called me monday from the animal hospital. i should have known that something was wrong. they put the phone up to him so i could talk to him (even though he was mostly deaf)…usually he makes those sweet beagle eyes when he hears me. when i asked them what he did, they just said, "nothing really." it just didn't sound right, but they acted like everything was okay (either they were in shock, or they were just trying to protect me….later on, my mom confessed that he looked "hollow." she knew).

they weaned him off slowly…and he crashed again. i had a message from my dad when i got home monday. when i called, he said "the news isn't good." i asked if he had died--no, but there really was nothing more to do. they could try the i.v. again…but it's so hard on his enlarged heart, and it would just bring him suffering. i wonder if they were looking for my "blessing" to put him to sleep. i agreed that that was what they had to do, but i asked them to call when they got there so i could say goodbye.

i hung up and collapsed on the kitchen floor.

when they called…i could hear them crying in the background. my husband and i both said goodbye. i told him that he's a good boy, and that he's my best friend forever and ever.

i don't know what time he left…i got a "feeling" that evening, so i guess that was it. i dreamt that night that i was with him as he died, but it took place in the kitchen of my childhood home, and it was very peaceful.

my mourning has been very slow and constant. i am the same now as i was about a week after i lost him. i'm used to missing him so badly…i used to paint pictures of him to help me get through the long days between visits. my first trip out there without him was hard. i kept going to visit his ashes (which are hidden, because my mom prefers to remember him as alive and furry), and singing to them…i cut up my pajamas and made a soft little case to put the container in. that's all i could do.

i've been dreaming about him…but i don’t think they're "visits." i am always aware that he is gone--either that or, in the dream, i think that he has survived the euthanasia. i have to admit, i don’t know that i even believe in the rainbow bridge. i wish i did. i wish the dreams felt more like visits. i've been more "functional," i guess, than many of you…but there's no end to this in sight.

2005-07-20T22:46:00.000-04:00

no dreams in an awful long time. too long. i haven't been doing my "lucid dreaming exercises" very much lately, though, so maybe i just need to get back into that.

i was talking to someone today about how lethargic i've been lately. seanie thinks i'm depressed. neither myself nor this person think that the dosage-doubling is really addressing the problem. i don't think my neurons are suddenly reabsorbing more serotonin than they were before. so he asked what makes me happy, what gives me energy. sensing that "dunkin donuts iced coffee" was not going to be an acceptable answer, i thought for a moment and then said, "bobo." he asked what about bobo made me happy--i think he was getting at "what did you do with bobo that made you happy?" i explained to him that it had nothing to do with what i did with him. i was more energetic and happier sitting next to him by the fireplace as he slept and i watched reruns than i am going out socially now. i said, "what about a newborn baby makes people happy?" they don't do anything...you can be amused for hours just watching them sleep. that's enough. just sitting with bobo for hours was the 'event.'"

2005-07-17T00:48:00.000-04:00

ah, i wanted to post today, but i don't know what to say. i'm feeling very down in general, and i'm missing the little fellow.

grieving is complicated for me because i'm used to going about three months at a time without seeing him (he lived in colorado with my parents and i live in new york). i'm used to missing him. for the last three years at least, the predominant theme of our relationship (that is, my feelings toward him) has been longing. i survived the first trip out there without him by...well, i don't know how i did exactly. i cut up my pajamas to sew a little bag to put the container for his ashes in, and i kept going to them (they're hidden because my mom prefers to remember him as alive) to sing.

these tears i've cried
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm
floating. in the darkness
well, i can't believe
that i would keep
keep you from flying
and i would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home

i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you
over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you

and if i find you
will you. still remember
playing at the trains
or does this
little blue ball
just fade away

over silbury hill
through the solar field
you know that i will follow you
i'm aware what the rules are
but you know that i will run
you know that i will follow you

these tears i've cried
i've cried
1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm
floating
in the darkness

well, i can't believe
that i would keep
keep you from flying
so, i will cry
1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home

so today i was practicing taking him out of my mental picture of my life (something that is almost always futile), and i thought about the crooked way he runs. i have to dig a picture up if i have it...it's too late to go digging for that. when he broke into a full, doggy gallop, his back two legs would be skewed to the left. it was the cutest thing.

i feel like i have to practice picturing my life (at least, the visits) without him...but how do i balance that out against my fear of losing all these memories that were dormant for years and are now being pushed away all the time?

2005-07-16T04:50:00.000-04:00

ugh, i'm up in the middle of the night. okay, well, it's closer to morning, but i didn't go to bed until 2:00 am. if i were with you, we'd probably go ahead and make a potty run.

i was just thinking about how i always checked your breathing when i woke up in the middle of the night--sometimes several times a night. this wasn't just after you got sick, though. this started when you were quite young. i couldn't help it. and if i wasn't satisfied with feeling your belly, i'd listen. and if i wasn't satisfied with what i heard, i'd wake you up, even if i had to say "wanna go see mommy?" or "wanna treat?" not very nice, i know, but i'm a worrywart.

2005-07-10T23:57:00.000-04:00

well, mom and dad were here this weekend...dad came back to colorado today, and mom is here until wednesday. salma was staying with shannon...

i hear she got in a little trouble for biting fred when he was trying to get her so she wouldn't steal the tortillas from the table. can you imagine: salma trying to get food? never. try as you did, she never seemed to catch onto your more effective--and more subtle--form of peoplefood acquisition. but can you believe she bit? she's never done that before, has she? maybe when you two first met, when you used to scrap. but i can't remember her really biting us ever...

we joke that she's queen now. you must have told her that someone has to be in charge of those two or the house will fall apart, so she has stepped up to such duties as: lead begger, mommy(granny)snuggler, watchdog (well, you handed that over to her when you "retired" in 2004), cleanup crew, and personwalker. i want you to know that she's doing a good job.

i just wish you were still here to oversee things. :(

i hate that i have a finite number of pictures of you. i dread the day when i realize that i have them all memorized. you're my favorite "subject"! now what?

love, amy

2005-07-09T00:09:00.000-04:00

no dreams of you last night...that's okay. mom put our blanket in a plastic bag, and i put the fur clipping in there as well, and then i put a pillowcase out of my favorite sweater. it's almost like i'm snuggling you....well, not almost, but as close as i can get when i'm awake.

march

now

tonight?

2005-07-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

i've been waiting around trying to decide what to say for my first post. my initial idea was to get everyone that knew bobo to write him a letter...but even my husband finds the prospect of doing so too heartbreaking. so instead, i'm going to invite everyone to e-mail me memories of bobo. first impressions, funny stories, or even your thoughts on what he means to us...even a sentence or two. but i'll write letters. here's my first one.

dear bobo,

i had my first lucid dream about you last night, and i thought that would be a good way to start this blog. i've been reading this book on lucid dreams and keeping a journal, and it finally worked last night.

when i dream about you, i'm aware that you're gone. i'm always worried that you'll be gone once you get out of sight, or i'm wondering how long it will last. but last night was the first time i consciously thought "this is a dream."

i was standing in the doorway between the porch (in our house in delaware) and the outside. you were on the other side, by the table. i ran over and kneeled by you and started telling you that i loved you and that you're my best friend forever and ever...all the stuff i told you the last time i saw you in march. you just sort of looked at me, and as i looked at you, one of your eyes turned blue and your sort of morphed into a puppy. but not you as a puppy--you looked more like a beagle-bassett mix. i didn't care--i was aware that can happen in dreams. i just kept giving you kisses. and i asked you to please, please keep visiting me....

i wish i could say for sure that any of my dreams were "visits." i read about that kind of thing on the pet loss message board...well, the dream i had the night i lost you might count for that. but i don't think last night's dream did. if i'm wrong, maybe i'm just dense and/or in need of a clearer sign.

please keep visiting, my little fellow.

love love love love love,
amy

more coming soon

2005-06-30T00:14:00.000-04:00

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anyway from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
I just want to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

"Run," Snow Patrol