it's not that i don't think of the little man every hour of every day. saturday (a 28th) went by and something felt wrong all day...but it's not like the day caught me off guard, i knew it was coming...and then today i was wondering, "was it really that OFF, or did i just get to compress my sorrow that day into a little box labelled 'a 28th' or '19 months'...or did i just get to recognize it more because it had the right number?" i'm not sure 28s are any worse than 3oths or 4ths or any other day.

today i started thinking that christmas was on the way (right around the corner after halloween every year), and i realized that i was attributing my resistance to the wrong things. i had assumed that my resistance to the coming holiday season had to do with my outrage that christmas decorations are already up (it's less special if "the holiday season" takes up a significant percentage of the year), or stress over the looming concert (and the affect it may or may not have on my voice)... that's not it. i actually CAUGHT myself today consciously thinking, "i don't want christmas to come. i don't want it to be my 2nd christmas without bobo. because then it'll be my 3rd. then my 4th. and so on until my 47th. i don't want it."